Keep Moving

Sunrise to sunset is a long way to travel. I still remember the flight here. It was five hours of bubbling excitement in anticipation of my new adventure. To be sincere, I wasn’t really sad at all. I was filled with a free spirit; I’ll go where the wind takes me! I left Florida for three reasons:

1)      Start my career in a new place.
2)      Southern California weather.

3)      Move on from heartbreak.

Number 1

I grew up in central Florida, Orlando to be specific. I was actually born in Los Angeles but we moved when I was very young. I lived a safe suburban lifestyle in the flat lands of the Hispanic south. I remember it being a big day when my mom first let me ride my bike to school in fourth grade. I remember hating riding my bike to school in Middle School. I remember knowing everyone in my area and making friends so easily. I was zoned for a specific high school. The way it works in central Florida is that you go where they tell you to. Choice isn’t exactly the swing state’s strong suit. I, however, found a loophole. I joined a magnet program that would allow me to go to a different high school than the one I was zoned for. This was an opportunity full of new people, new experiences, and new environments. I could’ve gone to the high school I was zoned for with the same people I had gone to school with for 6 years, but something about that seemed boring to me. I like change.

My high school years were great. My best friendships to this day come from those years, which oddly enough, doesn’t seem to be that common of an occurrence. My high school also happened to be right across from the biggest university in central Florida. Obviously, most of my classmates were graduating high school to go to said university. It would be like high school part 2, only this time with keg parties and smelly apartments. I, again, chose to go to a different school. It was 2 hours north of Orlando and I didn’t know very many people who were going there but I knew enough to make me feel comfortable. It was a small college town that was very different from everything I grew up with. Change started to become a theme in my life.

I learned a lot in college. It was my first time living on my own. I moved out of my parents’ house at 17 years old. I had to budget, cook, study, work, and party…none of which I did particularly well, except for the partying. I started learning how to be independent in college. I learned that academia is only as valuable as the character that holds it. It was a whimsical time mixed with the pressure of setting yourself up for…well…the rest of your life. It probably is of no surprise that once I graduated college, I felt like I was done with Florida. I wanted to leave. It felt small. The only meaning that existed there was my family and friends, both of which had been with me for quite some time. I had always wanted to go back to southern California, given that I was born there. I never really got to experience it. I took the opportunity to start my career as an engineer in California. Change seems to be somewhat of a life companion. Now, Florida seems smaller than ever.

Number 2

The weather here is perfect. No humidity. Sunshine almost every day. Perfect temperature. Beaches. Mountains. Snow. Surf. Smog (air you can’t see is air you can’t trust!).

It’s all here. What a perfect place. What a great location for exploration. If you try to compete with southern California weather, trust me, you’ll fail. I always wondered why weather was so important when people were choosing where to live…now I know.

Number 3

My heart is still in Florida. I’ve been in California for close to two years now, and every time I go to Orlando for a visit, it all still smells familiar. I fell in love in Florida. I got my heart broken there too. It’s interesting how those two experiences can get tied so viscerally to a location. After graduating college, Florida was driving me crazy with memories. I felt like I had to escape. How many applications did I fill out for jobs in Florida? Zero. It wasn’t even an option.

It’s funny how the beauty of a location seems dependent on where your heart lies at the time. It’s almost like that pair of glasses with which we view our surroundings. I had to leave Florida because I needed a new prescription. My heart was in a sad place and I couldn’t walk around the city without bringing it with me. Perhaps I was being somewhat of a coward trying to run away, but I felt reason number 2 was enough justification. The funny thing is that when I left, I brought that heart with me. I brought her with me. Texts, phone calls, notes, confusion, highs and lows…California didn’t take them away, it just gave me better weather to experience them in. Change is not an escape.

Change

My dad told me something interesting today. He told me that I took a leap of faith by moving so far away without knowing anyone. The west coast was the first move I made where I didn’t know at least a small group of people. I was literally setting out to be alone, with my fragile heart, just hoping that I would find something worthy of discovery, maybe myself. My dad told me it was a bold move, he didn’t know if he would have had the guts to do it himself. For anyone who knows about my relationship with my pops, hearing that was a big deal for me.

Seventeen days from now will mark two years since I’ve been here. I would love to be typing a blog post about how moving to California was the best thing that ever happened to me, how I’ve moved on and generated a whole new set of friends and a whole new life. Unfortunately, that’s not the case just yet. Here’s the truth:

Moving to a place a sizable distance away where you don’t know a soul is an extremely difficult experience. If you’re an introvert, it might not be as hard but you’ll be forking over more rent money to live by yourself. The professional world is much different than academia. It’s a world fueled by money, run by old people, and not as conducive to those “hey, let’s sit around, eat ice cream, and watch Netflix” type friendships. In fact, I don’t even remember the last time someone came into my apartment unannounced, walked into my kitchen, opened my fridge, and ate my food. That used to be daily life and now it’s a distant memory…2,400 miles to be exact.

At first, everything is new. There’s excitement in the air because no matter where you go or who you meet, it’s an adventure. It’s something completely different than what you’re used to. As time advances, the excitement starts to fade. After two years, I’ve made a few good friends, done a lot of really cool activities, bought some cool stuff, and still have my heart in the same place; all of which required significantly more initiative than they ever did before. The thing about change is that it’s somewhat fleeting, an instantaneous event that re-directs your life’s circumstances. However, I have learned that change doesn’t heal, and neither does time. Change distracts, while time conditions.

Don’t get me wrong, change is good, and so is time. Both are the tools we use with our power of choice to craft our lives. Healing, however, comes from within. It comes from confrontation with reality. It comes from admitting that two years later, southern California can be pretty lonely sometimes. It comes from realizing that forging meaningful relationships requires a lot more effort than it used to. It comes from understanding that old friends have their own things going on, and less time to catch up with you. It comes from writing blog posts about your thoughts and feelings, giving you the voice that used to talk on the phone for hours with that girl from Florida.

Perhaps there’s a much more important change that holds more weight than where we’re going to live and what we’re going to do. Maybe this confrontation of self can inspire a change in perspective. If we can change our perspective, every other change of circumstance or conditioning of time becomes powerless. There’s a plethora of things I can’t control, but perspective is not one of them. Right now, I live and work in southern California. I’m going to school and I do things that I enjoy. I have a few good friends that I love very much. I still have my family and friends from Florida (distance doesn’t put a dent in that). Things that used to be easy have become harder but not impossible, and the weather really is great. My heart is in recovery mode looking for perspective. Spring is in the air, and I need a new pair of sunglasses.

I think it’s time for a change.

Sonship

I had an interview last night at approximately 12:30 am. It took place through the medium of text messaging and was perhaps the most meaningful interview I've had in a while. No, it wasn't for a job, it was a friend. He was asking me some pretty important questions. What would I do with a substantial amount of money saved up? What skills do I possess? What have I mastered? What sets me apart from others? What's the next step in my career? In life? Lucky for him, these are all things that I regularly think about so I actually had some answers. However, I started contemplating what it takes to answer those questions. Being a goal oriented person, I often forgo understanding for the sake of efficiency. I tend to think critically, developing a process that makes sense and then executing it. In doing so, I realized something rather important about the process of becoming who you want to be. It involves relationship.

Before I go into this, I would highly recommend getting yourself one of these interviewing friends. They come in handy.

I've wondered why people (myself included) struggle so much achieving certain goals. In theory, it should be simple: make a plan, do it, the end. However, perhaps there's more to it than that. See, who we set out to be or what we set out to do has a very critical relationship with who or what is affected by it. I think that understanding this relationship is vital to our personal development.

Psychology points to these relationships quite frequently. As children, our parents tend to serve as the model for everything from love to what we decide for our careers. It's rather obvious, and most people would agree, that this is perhaps the most crucial relationship as we develop physically, mentally, and emotionally. There's an important element that relationships have that I feel is sometimes overlooked: they're two sided. Maybe, the best way to achieve proper growth is understanding the other side. I'll go as far as to say that it's the most important aspect of maturity.

I have a goal, one I'm quite passionate about. I want to be a good father one day. The next question becomes, how do I go about doing that? What can I do RIGHT NOW to contribute to this goal? I'm not a father, and I'm not married, but I am a son. Seeing as the most common way of learning is observing example, then perhaps the key to being a good father is being able to set the example of being a good son. That's something I can do right now! It makes sense, crawl before you can walk, walk before you can run. Do you want to be a good parent one day? First learn how to be a good son or daughter, then learn how to be a good wife or husband.

This idea can be applied to most of the broad goals that we want to achieve. Want to be a good teacher? First learn to be a student. Good communicator? First learn to listen. Good leader? First learn to follow. Good doctor? First learn to be a good patient. Good engineer? First learn to be a good technician. Good film maker? First learn how to watch film. Want to receive? Learn to give. Want honesty? Respect? Learn to give more. Want to love? Learn how to be loved. Want to be a disciple? Live SONSHIP.

I don't think it's coincidence that we can learn most of these things simultaneously through learning to be good sons and daughters. That's our very first job, and perhaps the most important.

We encounter different stages in life, but with this perspective, we know where the process starts. I don't know about you, but I have a lot of work to do.

"What skills would you say you've mastered?"

"I haven't mastered anything."

"I knew you'd say that."

Nicaragua - Corazon de Dios

Written March 15, 2011

Quisiera estar en un lugar
Donde el aire que respiro
No tenga olor a mortedumbre
Donde la sobra
No sea la costumbre.

Quisiera estar en un lugar
Donde mis labios no te necesitan para cantar
Donde mi cancion de alegria, por medio de una botella,
No parece mentira.

Quisiera estar en un lugar
Donde la existencia de un padre
No esta cubierta por la ausencia de amor.
Necesito una mano sanadora
Que me alivia este dolor.

Quisiera estar en un lugar
Donde mi voz no cae sobre oidos sordos,
Porque mi hablar no tiene sonido si nadie lo escucha,
Donde mis pensamientos no son gritos del silencio…

…Silencio, silencio, silencio…

En medio del silencio
Encuentro este lugar.
Un aire refrescante
Donde el respiro me levanta.
Una cancion que alaba
Al unico que me da esperanza.
Estoy en un lugar donde mi padre me abraza
y dice,
“Hijo mio”

…y de repente se rompe el silencio…

Siento el frio del viento que lleva mi voz
Al corazon de un gran padre.

Lo sientes? Lo sientes? Lo sientes?
El viento habla…

Asi que prestame un oido
Para escuchar mi sonido.
Un hijo que fue dolorido
A nivel de martillo
Para perdonar a los pillos
Y liberar el cautivo.
No se si lo saben,
Pero su nombre es JesuCristo.

El nos lleva a este lugar
Lo siembra por dentro en lo profundo
Y ahora os digo que desde
Lo interior a lo exterior,
Dios nos ama, nos rescata, nos libera.

Este lugar esta aqui,
Este lugar es Esteli, Jinotega, Matagalpa, Leon, Managua,
Y se que me falta asi que es todo Nicaragua!
Este lugar esta dentro de ti.
Ya no estoy en aquel lugar,
porque ahora,
Estoy aqui.

Push Limits

Written June 8, 2013

Hope and fear seem to walk hand in hand.

We dream big but cower at the thought of an unknown future. Dreaming small makes us feel inadequate.

We are the sum of our experiences, multiplied by our passions, and divided by our burdens, all the while subtracting from the finite amount of time we have to solve the equation.

Life is confined.

In the darkness we find light. In the light, we see shadows - the magnification of our imperfections.

Barriers are created in the mind while the heart is imprisoned by our perception. Hope and fear converge at the recognizance of open eyes.

We see what we want to see.

Our eyes are fixed on discrete moments in time, moments that shape us, shake us, define us.

We find ourselves only when we are lost - one cannot find what is not lost.

In the darkness, shadows are hidden, exposed by glimpses of ilumination - we aspire to be stars.

As dreams grow, light and darkness intertwine to yield a path towards what could be, what should be, what may be, what will be.

As shadow creeps into light, it is painfully whitened. An etherial transformation by which our eyes become truly fixed...

- A Place Beyond Hope And Fear

Confession

Written May 30, 2013

I struggle. I heavily exaggerate the romance of the human experience. Knowing about me will show you that I think in excess. Knowing me will show you that I feel in excess. I'm intense. Too intense. I'm an idealist. I like to fix things, but sometimes I end up breaking them. I like to design things, but sometimes nobody asks for my schematic. I go into games without practicing. I confront time with eternity. I'm broken. My pieces gravitate in different directions. Sometimes I'm a contradiction. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite. I push, but don't let others pull. Instead of fleeing temptation, I tempt fate. Instead of accepting, I manipulate. The clutch of my heart is in the friction zone and I haven't quite figured out how to switch the gears. I see through a narrow lens framed by hubris. I should check my prescription while I'm at it. I speak logic but listen to art. I'm a brush looking for a canvas. I need more colors on my palette. Here we go.

I like control. A lot. Too much. My ego holds the reins as I steer only looking in one direction - not always forward.

I'm protective, which is extremely arrogant of me to think I can actually protect you.

I seek to be understood more than to understand. I don't comprehend different journeys than my own.

I'm stubborn. I have to make mistakes. Then I have to solve mistakes.

I travel with the intrinsic loneliness of being the only one in my vessel while the herd goes down a different path.

My name is Alberto, and I am a sinner.

I'm humbled by love. I'm transformed by grace. I stumble out of the boat and try to walk on water, all the while still looking at the boat, missing the hand that saves. But even if I don't grab, I'll never drown. I swim in an ocean of what I don't know, riding waves I can't explain.

I want to be more.

"Every time I speak to you, you inspire me to be better."

I want to be that.

Why Confess? Because it's hard. Why share? Because it's harder. Living in truth is painfully liberating.
I've realized I may not know much, but I'm getting to know me.

Teach me. Change me. Forgive me.

My name is Alberto, and I am redeemed.

Current State of Heart

Written April 6, 2012

As I sit here and gaze upon the magnificence of your creation,
I contemplate the horizon of your majesty.
I am swayed ever so gently by the waves of your promises
As I listen closely to the sound of your voice
And feel the wind of your embrace.
I’m INSPIRED.
I’ve traveled from sunrise to sunset
Across an entire nation that I call home.
As far as the east is from the west you forgive my transgressions and your kingdom expands.
I am nothing but a vessel.
I’m at the other end of the small world you’ve given me,
But to you,
An ending is just another beginning.

Your artistry reminds me of poetry.
The way nature and language intertwine to spark not only sight,
But vision.
I want to write a poem.
I want to write a poem that writes itself, just like your creation.
I want to write a poem that is subject to interpretation but needs no vindication.
I want to write a poem with an ink pen where crossing out the mistakes paints a picture of your face.
I want to write a poem where I am not the author.
I want to write a poem that empowers the reader.
I want to write a poem that is always changing but never changes.
I want to write a poem that is worth nothing, but worthy of everything.
I want to write a poem that doesn’t seek to explain, but to discover.
I want to write a poem that moves and doesn’t leave the reader stagnant.
I want to write a poem that travels long distances across a freeway of hearts.
I want to write a poem that inspires change,
Where those who need won’t need and those who want won’t want.
I want to write a poem that gives a voice to those who aren’t heard.
I want to write a poem with a loud whisper.
I want to write a poem with a gentle scream.
I want to write a conservative poem.
I want to write a liberal poem.
I want to write a poem that challenges those who agree and loves those who disagree.
I want to write a poem committed to the reader.
I want to write a poem that conquers fear.
I want to write a poem that convicts and understands.
I want to write a poem of grace and discipline.
I want to write a poem that doesn’t know where it’s going but never stops writing.
I want to write a poem that never ends.
I want to write a poem that leaves a legacy.
I want to write a poem that’s long enough to be eternal, but short enough to be remembered.
I want this poem to be FREE.
I want to write a poem that is proclaimed on a mountain top and cannot be silenced.
I want to write a poem that takes the reader by the hand to the top of that mountain.
I want to write a poem that never lets go.
I want to write a poem that the illiterate can read.
I want to write a poem that the deaf can hear.
I want to write a poem that the blind can see.
I want to write a poem that the cripple can walk.
I want to write a poem that reflects your Word,
Limited but has no limits.
I want to write a poem that reflects your Image,
The brilliant sculpture of humanity.
I want to write a poem that sacrifices.
I want to write a poem that resurrects,
That dies only to never die.
I want to write a poem compiled of other poems.

This poem has no ending.
This poem may be confusing.
This poem may be enlightening.
This poem may say too much.
This poem may say too little.
This poem WILL edify.
This poem WILL change.
This poem WILL love.
This poem WILL live.

I want to see a poem.
I want to hear a poem.
I want to smell a poem.
I want to taste, touch, and feel a poem.
I want to breathe a poem.
I want to live a poem.

I want to BE. YOUR. POEM.

Love, Hate

Written June 28, 2011

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. - John 15:19
------------------------

I feel out of place.

I love a world that hates me and loves itself.

I live in a world where love is natural, conditional, and almost entirely emotional.
I live in a world where science foolishly tries to explain the why and faith foolishly tries to explain the how.
I live in a world with million dollar mega churches and zero dollar third world countries.
I live in a world where satisfaction is unattainable and contentment is not learned.
I live in a world where fear paralyzes instead of motivates.
I live in a world where you get to actually choose your spouse and the divorce rate is 60%.
I live in a world where conformity is a substitue for growth.
I live in a world where food and water is substituted for Ipads and Bentleys.
I live in a world that sees everything and does nothing.
I live in a world where equality and tolerance have to be enforced.
I live in a world where sex comes before a proper date.
I live in a world where reputation and culture matter more than love and peace.
I live in a world where men have TOO much ego, and women are TOO emotional, and both are TOO intense.
I live in a world where we are victims of our circumstances.
I live in a world where happiness is the goal in life.
I live in a world where commitment is avoided, pain is distorted, and devotion has to be earned.
I live in a world where charity is hip, or sometimes, only a trick.
I live in a world where we lie to survive and truth is a matter of opinion.
I live in a world where peace is idealistic and war is realistic.
I live in a world where love has rules.
I live in a world where rules don't rule.
I live in a world where independence is desired but not sought after.
I live in a world where individuality isn't so individual.
I live in a world where art is measured in dollar signs.
I live in a world where basketball players get paid more than teachers.
I live in a world where family is subject to interpretation.
I live in a world that has everything and everything is not enough.
I live in a world where the only radicals are those who bomb cities or hate gays.
I live in a world where hate is extreme but love is too intense.
I live in a world where beauty is observed and not generated.
I live in a world where sacrifice is not worth it.
I live in a world that makes demands but does not meet them.
I live in a world where confrontation is avoided because it is uncomfortable.
I live in a world where honesty is avoided because it involves confrontation.
I live in a world where there is no growth in comfort and no comfort in growth.
I live in a world that's scared to live because it's too selfish to die.
I live in a world where alcohol fixes sadness.
I live in a world where revenge fixes anger.
I live in a world where silence fixes injustice.
I live in a world where this message may stir hearts but won't stir action.

. . .

I've seen a world where love overcomes the very sacrifices it demands unconditionally.
I've seen a world where science and faith heal bodies and souls.
I've seen a world where kids who eat trash worship God because He takes care of them.
I've seen a world where humility precedes honor.
I've seen a world where marriage is a covenant not a contract.
I've seen a world that seeks to be uncomfortable to build character.
I've seen a world where needs are provided and wants are subsided.
I've seen a world where the response to injustice is revolution.
I've seen a world where collaboration and cooperation don't need to be enforced.
I've seen a world where sex is a product of love and commitment, not of lust and desire.
I've seen a world where love confronts culture and has little regard for reputation.
I've seen a world where love is intensely unifying and never TOO much.
I've seen a world where contentment and circumstances are independent of each other.
I've seen a world where faithfulness is the goal, and happiness is just a side effect.
I've seen a world where devotion is a product of grace,  and pain is not feared but embraced.
I've seen a world where charity is both a sacrifice and a blessing.
I've seen a world where the truth liberates, and lies destroy.
I've seen a world where peace is not just observed, but practiced.
I've seen a world where love breaks rules.
I've seen a world where love sets the right rules.
I've seen a world where independence is an empowering struggle.
I've seen a world united in diversity.
I've seen a world where art is a process, that process is a journey, and the destination doesn't matter.
I've seen a world where teaching is appreciated and learning is a gift.
I've seen a world where family creates a home, not just a house.
I've seen a world where you can never be too generous.
I've seen a world where a radical love has no gender, race, language, color, shape, or size.
I've seen a world where love is extremely peaceful and intensely powerful, and hate is only detrimental to the hater.
I've seen a world where beauty is not limited to the eye of the beholder.
I've seen a world that sacrifices anything for love and accepts everything because of love.
I've seen a world where relationships are demanding, and fruitful because of it.
I've seen a world where problems bring resolution, not more problems.
I've seen a world where honesty is valued, desired, and constructive.
I've seen a world where painless stagnancy is uncomfortable and painful growth is comfortable.
I've seen a world that fearlessly dies to self and lives for others.
I've seen a world where love conquers sadness.
I've seen a world where love conquers anger.
I've seen a world where love conquers injustice.
I've seen a world where love conquers all.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.  - 1 John 3:18

Despite the world I live in, it's the world I see that makes me alive.

I'll stay out of place.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." - C.S. Lewis

Introduction

Honest mind.

Transparent heart.

Artistic soul.

Don't just follow me. Join me.