Confession

Written May 30, 2013

I struggle. I heavily exaggerate the romance of the human experience. Knowing about me will show you that I think in excess. Knowing me will show you that I feel in excess. I'm intense. Too intense. I'm an idealist. I like to fix things, but sometimes I end up breaking them. I like to design things, but sometimes nobody asks for my schematic. I go into games without practicing. I confront time with eternity. I'm broken. My pieces gravitate in different directions. Sometimes I'm a contradiction. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite. I push, but don't let others pull. Instead of fleeing temptation, I tempt fate. Instead of accepting, I manipulate. The clutch of my heart is in the friction zone and I haven't quite figured out how to switch the gears. I see through a narrow lens framed by hubris. I should check my prescription while I'm at it. I speak logic but listen to art. I'm a brush looking for a canvas. I need more colors on my palette. Here we go.

I like control. A lot. Too much. My ego holds the reins as I steer only looking in one direction - not always forward.

I'm protective, which is extremely arrogant of me to think I can actually protect you.

I seek to be understood more than to understand. I don't comprehend different journeys than my own.

I'm stubborn. I have to make mistakes. Then I have to solve mistakes.

I travel with the intrinsic loneliness of being the only one in my vessel while the herd goes down a different path.

My name is Alberto, and I am a sinner.

I'm humbled by love. I'm transformed by grace. I stumble out of the boat and try to walk on water, all the while still looking at the boat, missing the hand that saves. But even if I don't grab, I'll never drown. I swim in an ocean of what I don't know, riding waves I can't explain.

I want to be more.

"Every time I speak to you, you inspire me to be better."

I want to be that.

Why Confess? Because it's hard. Why share? Because it's harder. Living in truth is painfully liberating.
I've realized I may not know much, but I'm getting to know me.

Teach me. Change me. Forgive me.

My name is Alberto, and I am redeemed.