One Day

Goals:

One day, I'm going to look back on my life and see that I never stopped learning.

One day, I will understand when to conquer fear and when to respect fear.

One day, I will appreciate the beauty of timing.

One day, I will not be controlled by my desire to control. I will experience freedom in its purest form.

One day, rejection will not hurt me, but motivate me.

One day, I will walk humbly and speak powerfully.

One day, I will choose to love a woman so deeply that a new family blossoms.

One day, I will be a better father than my father, because that's his definition of success.

One day, I will adopt my father's definition of success.

One day, I will give more than I take and need less than I make.

One day, I will march with the disenfranchised.

One day, I will give purpose to my privilege, and serve by washing feet.

One day, my house will be smaller than my neighbor's, but they will all still come over for dinner.

One day, I'll still find myself on a stage.

One day, I will make a significant contribution to medicine via engineering.

One day, I will teach.

One day, I will listen more than I speak.

One day, I will write a new set of goals, after a list of accomplishments, after an account of failures.

Finally,

One day, I will own an Aprilia Tuono V4 Factory (Seriously the sexiest motorcycle ever, look it up!)

---

Yesterday, while studying the book of Mark, we reflected on the authority God gives us to GO and DO.

Today, I make these goals in response to amazing love, grace, inspiration, and transformation.

Today, I pray first: Inshallah.

To God, as love, be the glory. To the world be the blessings.

One Pulse, One Heart, One Love

It has been forty-eight hours since tragedy struck Orlando, my home town, in the form of a hateful act of terror. I won't spend any time recounting what I've learned from the news as I'm sure you're well aware of what happened. I am just finally taking a moment to fully process the pain that my heart is feeling.

I became aware of what happened on Sunday morning right when I woke up. I read the news report that appeared on my news feed from NPR. I was in the middle of moving this past weekend to a new apartment and Sunday was the last day of my old lease. I still had a lot of work to do after having moved all of the big furniture the day before. I honestly didn't have the time or opportunity to process the news I was receiving because I had to finish the task ahead of me in a timely manner; I only had time to cry. I woke up, read the news, and just cried. Interestingly enough, my roommate and I had a very good friend of ours visiting us from San Francisco. He just so happens to be gay. He came down for vacation and he took some time out of his busy schedule to help us move. What a great friend! He woke me up in the morning after having spent the night on our couch and he was the first person I spoke to, all teary eyed and congested. I needed the hug he gave me before he left to go back home. I then promptly went back to my old apartment to finish moving what was left of my stuff. I picked up my roommate, who just so happens to be Muslim, after he returned the U-HAUL and he was the second person I spoke to and informed of what happened. I needed his comfort as well. Needless to say, I stand in solidarity with both communities, whom constantly experience heavy discrimination.

After alternating between moving boxes and shedding tears in the bathroom, I'm now trying to find words to express how I feel. Usually I'm pretty quick at coming up with words, but not this time. Sadness is a given. Anyone with a heart should be sad and grieving. I can't even begin to imagine what this is like for the families and friends of the victims. I wish I could be in my hometown right now to join the movement of unity and support.

Attacks like this affect so many people, from the victims' families to first responders, to even the people who pick up the phone when you call 911. I have a good friend who does that very difficult job and she shared with me the experiences her co-workers had. Having to hear the distress, gunshots, screams, tears, voices of people right before they're silenced; all the while not being able to directly do anything - Just keep being there, picking up the phone. My friend told me that it's not uncommon for these brave workers to experience PTSD or severe emotional trauma after something like this. To be honest, I had never really thought about that before she told me. Add them to your prayers, along with all the other first responders and medical staff taking care of the injured.

But now, two days later, I'm livid. I'm so angry at the injustice. I'm angry at the prevalence of hatred. I'm angry at ignorance. I'm angry at intolerance. I'm angry at our current political climate. I'm angry that change, if any, is unjustifiably slow. I'm angry at the gun lobby. I'm angry that identifying and attacking the root cause of hate gets neglected. I'm angry that Donald Trump had the audacity to utter the words that came out of his mouth after the shooting. I'm angry that love is still not the default version of humanity.

We are a reactive people at best. Why is this what it takes? Why does it take a mass shooting for the Florida Attorney General to finally show any kind of support for the Florida LGBT community? Why do people have to die for Chick-Fil-A to make a positive statement? How many more shootings is it going to take for us to realize we have a gun problem? How much more hate do we need to fall victim to in order to realize that we have a mental health problem? How many times do I have to send an email to my congress person before it becomes clear that those who have the gold make the rules? THAT'S THE WRONG GOLDEN RULE.

I am holding onto this anger. I have anger in my prayers, and God totally understands. I'm using it as fuel to not give up fighting. I will use my voice. I will use my hands and feet. I will use my mind. I will use my time. I will use my vote. I will use my money. I will use social media. I will continue to fight for justice and change with unstoppable rage and I will NEVER use a gun. The last thing anyone should be doing right now, with all of the tools available to us, is nothing.

On the flip side, I am inspired by my city beautiful. I'm inspired by the long lines in Florida heat to give blood to rescue the injured. I'm inspired by the umbrellas, and water, and food given out for free to keep the effort going. I'm inspired by the nearly 4 million dollars raised in support of the victims. I'm inspired by Muslims giving blood while fasting for Ramadan. I'm inspired by the vigils held for the victims to honor them. I find hope in the Orlando community unifying to show what love looks like and what love is capable of. We far outnumber those who do evil, let's continue to show it. Let's continue to serve our communities, especially the disenfranchised. Let's continue to speak out, especially for the marginalized who don't have a voice. Let's not wait another second to show our country, our government, and the world what a free society of humans is supposed to look like. Let's refuse to believe that love is not enough. Love is a verb.

If you would like to take action and donate for the victims, here's a link:

https://www.gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund

If you would like to contact your congress person and share your thoughts about ways to fight this violence through legislation, here's a link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nicole-silverberg/guide-elected-representatives-gun-control_b_8708154.html

Finally, to the LGBT community, the Hispanic community, and the Muslim community, my heart is with you, my voice is with you, I stand with you. To my family in Orlando (this includes my friends because you're all family), I love you so much. You're a part of who I am and I appreciate you. You're in my thoughts and prayers and I miss you. I can't wait to go home and embrace you again.

Mami, Papi, Julian - Los amo con todo el corazon que me han enseñado usar.

"...And love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside..."

- Lin-Manuel Miranda

#WeAreOrlando

Risk

The thing about fear is....

You know what?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Fear doesn't deserve a thing.

The day I let fear have a thing is the day I don't let love conquer all things.

Fear is rooted in lies. It's the residual scum that lays dormant after negative past experiences. It seeps into the present with messages like "You're not good enough", "You can't do it", "They won't like you", "You're damaged"...subtle enough to shift my beliefs without me even noticing. Fear loves to create a cozy little world of insecurity where even the most positive new opportunities in my life can die as they do battle with a monster named COMPARISON. Fear is the blanket hiding all of my flaws and imperfections; magnifying them instead of letting the power of vulnerability slowly change them into the beauty of being human.

So why does fear exist?

That's easy.

Fear exists to make me better.

And if there is something I have learned about conquering fear, it's that better doesn't always mean safer.

Five Years Later

You’re probably sitting in your electromagnetic fields class wondering what you’re doing there. I remember it was around this time that things were beginning to change for you. You feel like school is draining and you’re over the superficiality of college culture. The frivolity of constant partying feels empty. I know that you’re questioning if you should’ve stayed in Orlando, where you have your family and friends to support you. You’re stressed out wondering what you’re going to do this summer and how you’re going to make money to support yourself in the fall semester. You haven’t heard back from any of the internship opportunities that you’ve applied to, have you? I know you feel like everyone else in that room is smarter than you, and that’s probably because you’re reading this instead of paying attention to the damn lecture!

At nineteen years old, you’re going through quite the crisis! I know it’s hard living on your own, finding yourself, taking tough classes, and living off of ramen noodles. You’re perplexed by how you can have so much, yet feel like everything is just outside your grasp. There’s always one more step. Are you cut out for this? Is independence right now all it’s cracked up to be? Can you compete with everyone else racing towards the same destination? Will you succeed? Do these questions have answers?

Sure they do. It's your job to generate those answers.

Two years from now, you’re going to go to Nicaragua on a mission trip. You’re going to meet people your age who don’t have families, or an apartment with two kick ass roommates, or food in the fridge, or a college program to attend. One of the people you meet, his name is Aaron, is going to tell you that he’s actually working on his Bachelor’s degree, but it’s hard for him because he has to keep his brothers off the streets and find a way to work enough to feed mom and the boys. He won’t know what to do after he graduates because a degree over there doesn’t give him access to a career. He’s in school simply because he loves to learn and values education. In addition to that, he finds time to lead a club for Young Life because “God comes first, and God is all about family.” The obvious first lesson you’ll take away from meeting him is what anyone with half a heart would realize; you have it made. You’re #Blessed #FirstWorldProblems #OMGFinalsSuck #ICantBelieveHeOrSheDidThisOrThat #WhyDoesFreeFoodRequireHourLongMeetings #ThisWorldClassGymIsSoPacked #ThisFreePublicTransportationIsAlwaysLate #WoeIsMe #Fml #Sighhhh.

However, you’re going to learn another, more subtle lesson. It’s going to creep up on you as you watch Aaron act a fool in one of his improv comedy sketches. He has a joy that you don’t. It’s a joy that comes from the simplicity of life; the bare essence you uncover as you strip away the stressful veneer of deadlines, expectations, and that lab you don’t know how to do. He’s fulfilled by being alive. Breathing. Walking. Eating. Communicating. Singing. Dancing. Laughing. Loving. Living is enough for him. It doesn’t matter what other people think, he’s unapologetically himself. The worst stress comes from hiding who you really are – covering up the truth. Stress consumes us when we let fear reign supreme.

Despite the dangers of living in a third world country, and maintaining nobility in that lifestyle, Aaron is never scared. Hope is his default.

There’s elegance in simplicity, and the deepest joy is found in the core of what it means to simply be a part of divine artistry. Morph stress into a tool to answer those questions. The answers are a transient product of who you are and the clarity of what you believe. Push yourself beyond what you're capable of, that's the only reason limits exist.

I know you’re stressed now but there’s really nothing to worry about. The key is holding on to what really matters, your convictions and your purpose. I regret to inform you that you will not get an internship this summer. Actually, for the next two summers you’ll work two slightly above minimum wage jobs and you’ll frivolously spend what you should have been saving for the semester. Pops is going to have to bail you out a couple of times and you’ll have to humbly accept the torment of temporary dependence due to your own irresponsibility. Be ready for that, it's a tough lesson.

You won’t score your first internship until your very last summer in college. Better late than never. You’ll work at NASA’s KSC and it will make you question why in the world you decided to go into engineering. You’ll find the answer to that question by not settling for boredom and taking the initiative to work on a legitimate design. That experience will taste pretty sweet.

Your last semester will be the hardest, for many reasons, the biggest of which has nothing to do with academics. You’ll graduate by the skin of your teeth thanks to your procrastinating ways, but you’ll exude a peculiar confidence. It’s the kind of confidence that comes from overcoming obstacles and conquering adversity in your own unique way, by your own merit. It will be intriguing enough to land you a position at the biggest aerospace company in the world; you know which one I’m talking about. You’ll realize that it was all worth it. The unnecessary hassle of moving for college and being poor when you didn’t have to — that will build the character that makes your sorry GPA a risk worth taking. You’ll find that your ‘all or nothing’ nature and willingness to just ‘go for it’ will be your greatest professional asset. Building character is more valuable than learning from a textbook. You made it kid.

Meanwhile, you know that issue you have with girls? You know, the whole ‘I don’t have one’ problem? First of all, you're nineteen dude. Chill out. It should be of no surprise to you that you’ll get your heart broken three times by the same person. Yes, you guessed it; it’s that vicious cycle that you stubbornly can’t seem to walk away from. It’s going to suck. You’re going to feel worthless in a very awkward sense because viewing yourself that way is unnatural to you. It’ll feel like your heart beats only due to muscle memory and everything you’re passionate about, the world you’ve created around you, will collapse and leave you in an empty meaningless space with no sense of direction. You’ll recover and then relapse, kind of like an addiction – exactly like an addiction. Here’s the thing, she does love you, she just does it when you’re not around because it’s easier. It’s hard when you’re present because there’s a lot of slack to pick up. You have to love yourself first kid. I suggest you start working on that. You’ll recover and come into your own. It'll be really dark for a while, and then you'll start to experience the beauty of life and new opportunities again. You'll learn a lot. You’re pretty great, and it’s important for you to see that and believe it.

You know how you hate writing? Well, you’ll be writing this letter, on a blog, along with other stuff. You’ll even write to Aaron through Facebook and maintain a close friendship. He graduates college by the way, and now he can take care of his family with a little help. Change kid. You change quite a bit. You’re still changing. Embrace it! Change is powerful when it results in growth and self-awareness. Just remember this simple fact of life: There’s always one more step.

P.S.

Remember how you joined the Sabor Latino dance team freshman year, but you had to quit because it was too overwhelming with school? Meet me in SoCal five years from now. I have a surprise for you.

Yea, that’s right, the city of angels.

- Me

 

Keep Moving

Sunrise to sunset is a long way to travel. I still remember the flight here. It was five hours of bubbling excitement in anticipation of my new adventure. To be sincere, I wasn’t really sad at all. I was filled with a free spirit; I’ll go where the wind takes me! I left Florida for three reasons:

1)      Start my career in a new place.
2)      Southern California weather.

3)      Move on from heartbreak.

Number 1

I grew up in central Florida, Orlando to be specific. I was actually born in Los Angeles but we moved when I was very young. I lived a safe suburban lifestyle in the flat lands of the Hispanic south. I remember it being a big day when my mom first let me ride my bike to school in fourth grade. I remember hating riding my bike to school in Middle School. I remember knowing everyone in my area and making friends so easily. I was zoned for a specific high school. The way it works in central Florida is that you go where they tell you to. Choice isn’t exactly the swing state’s strong suit. I, however, found a loophole. I joined a magnet program that would allow me to go to a different high school than the one I was zoned for. This was an opportunity full of new people, new experiences, and new environments. I could’ve gone to the high school I was zoned for with the same people I had gone to school with for 6 years, but something about that seemed boring to me. I like change.

My high school years were great. My best friendships to this day come from those years, which oddly enough, doesn’t seem to be that common of an occurrence. My high school also happened to be right across from the biggest university in central Florida. Obviously, most of my classmates were graduating high school to go to said university. It would be like high school part 2, only this time with keg parties and smelly apartments. I, again, chose to go to a different school. It was 2 hours north of Orlando and I didn’t know very many people who were going there but I knew enough to make me feel comfortable. It was a small college town that was very different from everything I grew up with. Change started to become a theme in my life.

I learned a lot in college. It was my first time living on my own. I moved out of my parents’ house at 17 years old. I had to budget, cook, study, work, and party…none of which I did particularly well, except for the partying. I started learning how to be independent in college. I learned that academia is only as valuable as the character that holds it. It was a whimsical time mixed with the pressure of setting yourself up for…well…the rest of your life. It probably is of no surprise that once I graduated college, I felt like I was done with Florida. I wanted to leave. It felt small. The only meaning that existed there was my family and friends, both of which had been with me for quite some time. I had always wanted to go back to southern California, given that I was born there. I never really got to experience it. I took the opportunity to start my career as an engineer in California. Change seems to be somewhat of a life companion. Now, Florida seems smaller than ever.

Number 2

The weather here is perfect. No humidity. Sunshine almost every day. Perfect temperature. Beaches. Mountains. Snow. Surf. Smog (air you can’t see is air you can’t trust!).

It’s all here. What a perfect place. What a great location for exploration. If you try to compete with southern California weather, trust me, you’ll fail. I always wondered why weather was so important when people were choosing where to live…now I know.

Number 3

My heart is still in Florida. I’ve been in California for close to two years now, and every time I go to Orlando for a visit, it all still smells familiar. I fell in love in Florida. I got my heart broken there too. It’s interesting how those two experiences can get tied so viscerally to a location. After graduating college, Florida was driving me crazy with memories. I felt like I had to escape. How many applications did I fill out for jobs in Florida? Zero. It wasn’t even an option.

It’s funny how the beauty of a location seems dependent on where your heart lies at the time. It’s almost like that pair of glasses with which we view our surroundings. I had to leave Florida because I needed a new prescription. My heart was in a sad place and I couldn’t walk around the city without bringing it with me. Perhaps I was being somewhat of a coward trying to run away, but I felt reason number 2 was enough justification. The funny thing is that when I left, I brought that heart with me. I brought her with me. Texts, phone calls, notes, confusion, highs and lows…California didn’t take them away, it just gave me better weather to experience them in. Change is not an escape.

Change

My dad told me something interesting today. He told me that I took a leap of faith by moving so far away without knowing anyone. The west coast was the first move I made where I didn’t know at least a small group of people. I was literally setting out to be alone, with my fragile heart, just hoping that I would find something worthy of discovery, maybe myself. My dad told me it was a bold move, he didn’t know if he would have had the guts to do it himself. For anyone who knows about my relationship with my pops, hearing that was a big deal for me.

Seventeen days from now will mark two years since I’ve been here. I would love to be typing a blog post about how moving to California was the best thing that ever happened to me, how I’ve moved on and generated a whole new set of friends and a whole new life. Unfortunately, that’s not the case just yet. Here’s the truth:

Moving to a place a sizable distance away where you don’t know a soul is an extremely difficult experience. If you’re an introvert, it might not be as hard but you’ll be forking over more rent money to live by yourself. The professional world is much different than academia. It’s a world fueled by money, run by old people, and not as conducive to those “hey, let’s sit around, eat ice cream, and watch Netflix” type friendships. In fact, I don’t even remember the last time someone came into my apartment unannounced, walked into my kitchen, opened my fridge, and ate my food. That used to be daily life and now it’s a distant memory…2,400 miles to be exact.

At first, everything is new. There’s excitement in the air because no matter where you go or who you meet, it’s an adventure. It’s something completely different than what you’re used to. As time advances, the excitement starts to fade. After two years, I’ve made a few good friends, done a lot of really cool activities, bought some cool stuff, and still have my heart in the same place; all of which required significantly more initiative than they ever did before. The thing about change is that it’s somewhat fleeting, an instantaneous event that re-directs your life’s circumstances. However, I have learned that change doesn’t heal, and neither does time. Change distracts, while time conditions.

Don’t get me wrong, change is good, and so is time. Both are the tools we use with our power of choice to craft our lives. Healing, however, comes from within. It comes from confrontation with reality. It comes from admitting that two years later, southern California can be pretty lonely sometimes. It comes from realizing that forging meaningful relationships requires a lot more effort than it used to. It comes from understanding that old friends have their own things going on, and less time to catch up with you. It comes from writing blog posts about your thoughts and feelings, giving you the voice that used to talk on the phone for hours with that girl from Florida.

Perhaps there’s a much more important change that holds more weight than where we’re going to live and what we’re going to do. Maybe this confrontation of self can inspire a change in perspective. If we can change our perspective, every other change of circumstance or conditioning of time becomes powerless. There’s a plethora of things I can’t control, but perspective is not one of them. Right now, I live and work in southern California. I’m going to school and I do things that I enjoy. I have a few good friends that I love very much. I still have my family and friends from Florida (distance doesn’t put a dent in that). Things that used to be easy have become harder but not impossible, and the weather really is great. My heart is in recovery mode looking for perspective. Spring is in the air, and I need a new pair of sunglasses.

I think it’s time for a change.

Sonship

I had an interview last night at approximately 12:30 am. It took place through the medium of text messaging and was perhaps the most meaningful interview I've had in a while. No, it wasn't for a job, it was a friend. He was asking me some pretty important questions. What would I do with a substantial amount of money saved up? What skills do I possess? What have I mastered? What sets me apart from others? What's the next step in my career? In life? Lucky for him, these are all things that I regularly think about so I actually had some answers. However, I started contemplating what it takes to answer those questions. Being a goal oriented person, I often forgo understanding for the sake of efficiency. I tend to think critically, developing a process that makes sense and then executing it. In doing so, I realized something rather important about the process of becoming who you want to be. It involves relationship.

Before I go into this, I would highly recommend getting yourself one of these interviewing friends. They come in handy.

I've wondered why people (myself included) struggle so much achieving certain goals. In theory, it should be simple: make a plan, do it, the end. However, perhaps there's more to it than that. See, who we set out to be or what we set out to do has a very critical relationship with who or what is affected by it. I think that understanding this relationship is vital to our personal development.

Psychology points to these relationships quite frequently. As children, our parents tend to serve as the model for everything from love to what we decide for our careers. It's rather obvious, and most people would agree, that this is perhaps the most crucial relationship as we develop physically, mentally, and emotionally. There's an important element that relationships have that I feel is sometimes overlooked: they're two sided. Maybe, the best way to achieve proper growth is understanding the other side. I'll go as far as to say that it's the most important aspect of maturity.

I have a goal, one I'm quite passionate about. I want to be a good father one day. The next question becomes, how do I go about doing that? What can I do RIGHT NOW to contribute to this goal? I'm not a father, and I'm not married, but I am a son. Seeing as the most common way of learning is observing example, then perhaps the key to being a good father is being able to set the example of being a good son. That's something I can do right now! It makes sense, crawl before you can walk, walk before you can run. Do you want to be a good parent one day? First learn how to be a good son or daughter, then learn how to be a good wife or husband.

This idea can be applied to most of the broad goals that we want to achieve. Want to be a good teacher? First learn to be a student. Good communicator? First learn to listen. Good leader? First learn to follow. Good doctor? First learn to be a good patient. Good engineer? First learn to be a good technician. Good film maker? First learn how to watch film. Want to receive? Learn to give. Want honesty? Respect? Learn to give more. Want to love? Learn how to be loved. Want to be a disciple? Live SONSHIP.

I don't think it's coincidence that we can learn most of these things simultaneously through learning to be good sons and daughters. That's our very first job, and perhaps the most important.

We encounter different stages in life, but with this perspective, we know where the process starts. I don't know about you, but I have a lot of work to do.

"What skills would you say you've mastered?"

"I haven't mastered anything."

"I knew you'd say that."