Cruising Into The Future

One of the most meaningful things I do with my free time is mentoring a young teenager named Matthew. Mentoring is an incredibly rewarding experience. I highly recommend it! It's a great way to personally grow and give back to your community. I wrote an essay recently about what I've learned from my mentee. Mentors can be students too...

When it comes to the mentoring experience, it’s fertile ground for life lessons and building character. The challenges give way to constructing patience, creativity, communication skills, and empathy. The rewards are all of the fruits that come with caring intentionally, and sometimes intensely, about someone else – someone you can teach, relate to, learn from, share with, and ultimately influence in a positive way. Keep that word in mind: Influence.

I recall a time with Matthew when I was helping him with a math assignment. He had been really struggling with the material for a while and we had been working on the subject for months. Usually, I’ll help him when he gets stuck and use that opportunity to teach. It’s easy to sometimes get discouraged and frustrated when understanding is achieved at a slower pace. It’s customary that whenever Matthew understands what I’ve explained to him, I ask him for a high five to celebrate. It’s my simple way of trying to stay positive and motivated. This time, however, was the moment of truth, a test. Matthew was going to take a test on the material he had recently learned without my help. He had to figure out the problems on his own. I watched as he started working on the first problem. I was able to observe him thinking, struggling, remembering, and calculating. After finishing the first problem, he asked me to check it. I said, “Matt, you have to finish the whole test first.” He replied, “I need to know!” I checked his work and he got the correct answer. At that moment, his eyes lit up, he smiled and threw his hands in the air and said, “High five!” It was the first time he initiated the high five.

I think this story highlights what I’ve learned from Matthew so far. Sometimes, all it takes is a math problem and a high five moment to fully realize the importance of this special relationship. When our hands collided, I saw empowerment in Matthew’s eyes. He believed in himself. He knew he was smart. He finished the test, making significant progress, and knew that he could do better. Matthew has taught me that teaching is more than just instruction, that relationship matters, and that encouragement goes a long way. I’ve learned that the most powerful tools are trust and authenticity and that, using these tools, Matthew influences me as well! He encourages me, empowers me, challenges me, laughs at me, listens to me, sometimes corrects me, and always inspires me. I’ve learned from my mentee that I can always do better, and I’m grateful to him for helping me grow. Positive influence goes both ways.

Five Years Later

You’re probably sitting in your electromagnetic fields class wondering what you’re doing there. I remember it was around this time that things were beginning to change for you. You feel like school is draining and you’re over the superficiality of college culture. The frivolity of constant partying feels empty. I know that you’re questioning if you should’ve stayed in Orlando, where you have your family and friends to support you. You’re stressed out wondering what you’re going to do this summer and how you’re going to make money to support yourself in the fall semester. You haven’t heard back from any of the internship opportunities that you’ve applied to, have you? I know you feel like everyone else in that room is smarter than you, and that’s probably because you’re reading this instead of paying attention to the damn lecture!

At nineteen years old, you’re going through quite the crisis! I know it’s hard living on your own, finding yourself, taking tough classes, and living off of ramen noodles. You’re perplexed by how you can have so much, yet feel like everything is just outside your grasp. There’s always one more step. Are you cut out for this? Is independence right now all it’s cracked up to be? Can you compete with everyone else racing towards the same destination? Will you succeed? Do these questions have answers?

Sure they do. It's your job to generate those answers.

Two years from now, you’re going to go to Nicaragua on a mission trip. You’re going to meet people your age who don’t have families, or an apartment with two kick ass roommates, or food in the fridge, or a college program to attend. One of the people you meet, his name is Aaron, is going to tell you that he’s actually working on his Bachelor’s degree, but it’s hard for him because he has to keep his brothers off the streets and find a way to work enough to feed mom and the boys. He won’t know what to do after he graduates because a degree over there doesn’t give him access to a career. He’s in school simply because he loves to learn and values education. In addition to that, he finds time to lead a club for Young Life because “God comes first, and God is all about family.” The obvious first lesson you’ll take away from meeting him is what anyone with half a heart would realize; you have it made. You’re #Blessed #FirstWorldProblems #OMGFinalsSuck #ICantBelieveHeOrSheDidThisOrThat #WhyDoesFreeFoodRequireHourLongMeetings #ThisWorldClassGymIsSoPacked #ThisFreePublicTransportationIsAlwaysLate #WoeIsMe #Fml #Sighhhh.

However, you’re going to learn another, more subtle lesson. It’s going to creep up on you as you watch Aaron act a fool in one of his improv comedy sketches. He has a joy that you don’t. It’s a joy that comes from the simplicity of life; the bare essence you uncover as you strip away the stressful veneer of deadlines, expectations, and that lab you don’t know how to do. He’s fulfilled by being alive. Breathing. Walking. Eating. Communicating. Singing. Dancing. Laughing. Loving. Living is enough for him. It doesn’t matter what other people think, he’s unapologetically himself. The worst stress comes from hiding who you really are – covering up the truth. Stress consumes us when we let fear reign supreme.

Despite the dangers of living in a third world country, and maintaining nobility in that lifestyle, Aaron is never scared. Hope is his default.

There’s elegance in simplicity, and the deepest joy is found in the core of what it means to simply be a part of divine artistry. Morph stress into a tool to answer those questions. The answers are a transient product of who you are and the clarity of what you believe. Push yourself beyond what you're capable of, that's the only reason limits exist.

I know you’re stressed now but there’s really nothing to worry about. The key is holding on to what really matters, your convictions and your purpose. I regret to inform you that you will not get an internship this summer. Actually, for the next two summers you’ll work two slightly above minimum wage jobs and you’ll frivolously spend what you should have been saving for the semester. Pops is going to have to bail you out a couple of times and you’ll have to humbly accept the torment of temporary dependence due to your own irresponsibility. Be ready for that, it's a tough lesson.

You won’t score your first internship until your very last summer in college. Better late than never. You’ll work at NASA’s KSC and it will make you question why in the world you decided to go into engineering. You’ll find the answer to that question by not settling for boredom and taking the initiative to work on a legitimate design. That experience will taste pretty sweet.

Your last semester will be the hardest, for many reasons, the biggest of which has nothing to do with academics. You’ll graduate by the skin of your teeth thanks to your procrastinating ways, but you’ll exude a peculiar confidence. It’s the kind of confidence that comes from overcoming obstacles and conquering adversity in your own unique way, by your own merit. It will be intriguing enough to land you a position at the biggest aerospace company in the world; you know which one I’m talking about. You’ll realize that it was all worth it. The unnecessary hassle of moving for college and being poor when you didn’t have to — that will build the character that makes your sorry GPA a risk worth taking. You’ll find that your ‘all or nothing’ nature and willingness to just ‘go for it’ will be your greatest professional asset. Building character is more valuable than learning from a textbook. You made it kid.

Meanwhile, you know that issue you have with girls? You know, the whole ‘I don’t have one’ problem? First of all, you're nineteen dude. Chill out. It should be of no surprise to you that you’ll get your heart broken three times by the same person. Yes, you guessed it; it’s that vicious cycle that you stubbornly can’t seem to walk away from. It’s going to suck. You’re going to feel worthless in a very awkward sense because viewing yourself that way is unnatural to you. It’ll feel like your heart beats only due to muscle memory and everything you’re passionate about, the world you’ve created around you, will collapse and leave you in an empty meaningless space with no sense of direction. You’ll recover and then relapse, kind of like an addiction – exactly like an addiction. Here’s the thing, she does love you, she just does it when you’re not around because it’s easier. It’s hard when you’re present because there’s a lot of slack to pick up. You have to love yourself first kid. I suggest you start working on that. You’ll recover and come into your own. It'll be really dark for a while, and then you'll start to experience the beauty of life and new opportunities again. You'll learn a lot. You’re pretty great, and it’s important for you to see that and believe it.

You know how you hate writing? Well, you’ll be writing this letter, on a blog, along with other stuff. You’ll even write to Aaron through Facebook and maintain a close friendship. He graduates college by the way, and now he can take care of his family with a little help. Change kid. You change quite a bit. You’re still changing. Embrace it! Change is powerful when it results in growth and self-awareness. Just remember this simple fact of life: There’s always one more step.

P.S.

Remember how you joined the Sabor Latino dance team freshman year, but you had to quit because it was too overwhelming with school? Meet me in SoCal five years from now. I have a surprise for you.

Yea, that’s right, the city of angels.

- Me

 

Familiar Spaces

In twenty-four years of existence, three cities, college away from home, and an overwhelming push from the professional environment, I have never once lived on my own. I must confess that I have no idea what it’s like to have my own space and not have to share it. I grew up with a little brother five years younger than me in a family environment where privacy was not really an option. I had two roommates at any given point throughout my four years of college. Now I’m down to one roommate in an 860 sq ft 2 bed 2 bath apartment. Most people my age have either lived on their own at some point, or express a strong desire to do so after having some kind of annoyingly terrible experience. I know people who have lost best friends and they blame it on having the guts to live with them. Sharing personal space seems to invoke one common feeling: crowded.

Not including my immediate family, I’ve lived with a total of seven people to this day. Not only have I lived with seven people, but I’ve lived with seven entirely different people with entirely different styles of living. I started off my college academic adventures with two good friends from high school. Both guys. Both similar cultures. One was a psychology major, the other was a ‘I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life’ major. I was studying engineering. During the summer, before we started school, the three of us worked together to fix up the condo. We were in the business of creating a home. I could write a book with the stories I have in my pocket from those days, but the most important thing I remember is the dynamic. We would cook for each other, clean for each other, and yell at each other for not cooking and cleaning enough for each other. It was just like growing up at home! We had parties and tried new things on campus together. We would invent crazy shenanigans to fill up a Saturday and we learned how to laugh at each other, and ourselves. We sang at the top of our lungs whether it was some gospel hymn or Tenacious D. We were our own fraternity starting our quest for self discovery and awareness; making mistakes and learning how to grow together. It was simple really, everything from schedules to what was in the fridge at any given moment was in flux, but the chemistry and identity of the house never wavered. We would eat dinner together at the dining room table.

After two years, one of them moved out to pursue what he really wanted to study in a different city. His room was filled with another good friend of mine from high school who had just recently come out as openly gay. That made only a positive difference as living with him taught me a lot about love, human sexuality, honesty, and acceptance. We hung out a lot, and the couch was pretty much his home already, so naturally, it made sense for him to upgrade to his own room. I knew that change was coming and nothing but excitement coursed through my veins. This transitional period was interesting because we were already in the flow of college life. It was no longer unfamiliar to us. The same rules applied and the same culture followed. We would eat dinner together at the dining room table.

Shortly after, the other original roommate moved out and a friend of the new one moved in. She was an artist studying music at the time. I knew the infusion of talent would create an entirely different atmosphere as it changed from two straight bros, to one gay bro and some artsy girl I didn’t even know. Home became an adventure in and of itself. A lot of things changed around the house. Her room now had a giant mural painted by one of her friends. Parties had more dancing, more hookups, and more people I didn’t know. Dinners changed from rice and beans to spinach salads, cheeses, and a bottle of red wine. Before, I’d come home to talk about girls, drink beer, and figure out how to build a stripper pole for parties (This actually happened #mylifeisbro). Now, I came home to listen to acoustic guitar playing and trippy electronica music while laughing hysterically at random improvisational acts meant to tease each other. Conversations geared towards women’s rights, Tina Fey, and boys. I was actually surprised at how much I had to say about boys, boys are jerks. Living with artists, emotions ran higher. Both anger and love were more passionate. Fights were louder and hugs were longer. I felt like I was in a Tarantino film right before shit hits the fan and everybody dies. My favorite days were when she would cook from a random recipe she found online, he would be writing some deep self reflection piece, and I would be studying calculus on our family room white board. Then, all three of us would stop what we were doing, and we would eat dinner together at the dining room table.

He was the first one to graduate and I still had a semester left. The new couch bum we had acquired moved in to replace him. I now lived with two girls. She was studying biology and was the polar opposite of the artist, now a theater major. She was a shy introvert who dared to share her space with two pretty crazy extroverts. She's bold. All of a sudden, the house was ugly. We needed a new rug with colors other than brown and we needed vibrant red pillows. We needed Christmas lights, Katy Perry, and girly smell radiating from the bathroom while they got ready to go out. This was new for me as I grew up with only a younger brother. Parties and get-togethers had more girls and pillow talk. I was the token server at said get-togethers. I would come home to deep three hour conversations about life, the universe, science, drama, and of course, boys. Sitting on the couch to watch a movie on Netflix suddenly seemed more intimate as we’d all share the same blanket. I came home to more tears that needed to turn into smiles. Wine was the elixir of truth, and I remember one time, we danced with pillows to Frank Sinatra. Why we danced with pillows is irrelevant; the important thing is that dancing with pillows now seemed to be perfectly encouraged and acceptable behavior. At school I was an engineer, but at home I was an artist, a therapist, a philosopher, a handy man, the football freak, and a humble servant for two beautiful queens. It was the first time in my life that I was so many things all at once. I felt valuable. My favorite part was talking about boys being jerks at the dining room table.

After graduating college, I moved to the complete opposite side of the country to start my career. Now residing in southern California, I didn’t know anyone when I originally got here. However, I didn’t really fear not knowing anyone as much as I did living by myself. The cost of living here is also crazy expensive so I did what any young professional twenty-something would do…I went straight to craigslist! I found someone looking for a roommate for a three month period of time before the lease ended. We met chatting with my parents over bowls of spaghetti and two days later, I was moved in. It was actually a pretty smooth transition. We made getting to know each other a priority and established that open communication would be the law of the land. He was my first friend in southern California, and the patron of initial exploration of my new home. I couldn’t have asked for a better introduction. He liked to work out and knew a lot about nutrition, so I would cook based on his suggestions and we would eat dinner together at the dining room table.

I knowingly set up my situation such that I had three months to acclimate to my new work environment and hopefully meet people and make some friends. It was a leap of faith really, but within those three months, I met the Godsend that is my current roommate. We actually met about a month before my lease was ending and there was a type of mystical comfort I felt the first few times we talked – a hidden familiarity. I would say we were probably around our tenth conversation, ever, when this happened:

- So where do you live?

- Oh I live in HB over by Bella Terra.

- Word. I live close to work over by the mall.

- You like it?

- It’s okay. I’m thinking of moving out.

- Yea me too. When’s your lease up?

- July 3^rd. Yours?

- July 2^nd.

  (Moment of simultaneous epiphany)

- Roomies?

- Roomies.

Two weeks later we moved into our new place. We furnished it with a couch we swiped up (getting it up the stairs took a third, superhero friend that we have), and a coffee table we found on craigslist. Our living room is so small that those two things, along with our TV, make it look full. I will forever designate the occurrence of this living situation as a miraculous act of God. Timing was on point and we laugh almost every day. It’s coming on two years now, and the server ladies at the Chinese restaurant on the corner think that we’re brothers. Sharing is easy because, at twenty-four years old, we both know how to do it. If he listens to music while he’s studying he doesn’t have to use headphones because we share the same taste in music. If I’m watching a movie or TV, he’ll sit on the couch and watch it with me if he’s not busy. I come home to relax and converse about anything ranging from Lil Wayne to Isaac Newton. The other day he was sick and he asked me to get a thermometer and some soup. On my way back from the Chinese restaurant, I realized that the server ladies are right – we are brothers. That’s fortune cookie wisdom right there.

The invisible amalgamating force behind all of my space sharing experiences has been one simplistic, powerful idea:

Family.

Throughout the course of my life thus far, family has been an extremely influential factor in regards to who I am, where I am, and what I’ve become. Reminiscing on all the people I’ve lived with, we created a family. That condo in Gainesville, Florida was a home and it had a culture and an identity. It was a living, breathing, and changing entity. Family is what makes sharing your space meaningful, impactful, and worth it.

Some people say that you can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends. I beg to differ. Family isn’t some default assignment of blood relatives. That’s nature; procreation and genetics. Family is an idea – a shared idea. Family is consciously created and developed. It is the mechanism by which we unite and give each other the power of influence to fuse different personalities. The crowded nature of family is supposed to destroy our self-centered need for control and ownership, and transform it into the act of sharing for the sake of life changing communion. Family is unraveled using the tools of open communication, honesty, respect, compassion, forgiveness, and love. Family is chiseled by confrontation, sacrifice, frustration and relief. Family is fortified by loyalty, commitment, and dedication. You can choose your family; you do it with the people you share your space with, whether it is at work, school, or personal space. At this age, we should be choosing our family by giving intentional and careful consideration to who we date; bearing in mind that they should be someone we can love and marry in the near future. To this day, I’m still close friends with every single person I’ve ever lived with. They’re a part of me, and a part of my family. I honestly hope to never have to live alone. Perhaps that’s due to my extremely extroverted personality, but also because I cherish my family. There are no bad experiences with true family, just challenging learning opportunities and the domain of growth.

Tonight, we’ll come home from work, talk about our days and crack some jokes. We’ll complain about the neighbors and plot creative ways to destroy them. We’ll then cue the language of art with some tunes or an engaging story on the TV. We’ll crack open a book or study for grad school. And then, we’ll eat dinner together at the dining room table.

#CaribBoyz